Back in July a Facebook friend who wanted to remain anonymous started their embryo adoption process with some questions and fears that she asked us to post to our Facebook community. Recently, she messaged us with an update and asked we pose another question to those who had been so helpful to her as she was beginning her journey:
“My little 'snowflake' daughter is due in two weeks and I am delighted and so incredibly grateful. I am suddenly anxious that I may not bond immediately because I don't have a biological connection and feel really guilty for thinking this. Has anyone else had this fear? I imagine that when I see my baby it will disappear but I would like to hear other experiences. Thank you again.”
Her fears were instantly met with a flood of support. We wanted to share with you the thoughts of our Facebook community on this important issue, even from those who adopted through other avenues:
L. said, “Every mother/child relationship is different. I had a similar fear, but felt an immediate bond when my ‘snowflake’ son was born. Hormones may also play a big part in your connection. Take every moment and every feeling as it comes and know that the relationship between you & your daughter is perfect, unique, full of mystery and love, and will continue to change and grow deeper every day.”
Cynthia could sympathize, “All mamas by birth, in vitro, or adoption worry about this... It is so natural and normal... It goes right along with ‘Will I be good enough of a mom?’... We all worry! I have one oops, one in vitro and three adopted.... now I worry I may have a stronger heart for my last! Love grows because we know and build a relationship... it’s no different with babies. Each day your love will grow until you think you will burst… and then it continues to get stronger... “
Stacy agreed. “Having 1 bio child and adopted 7 more miracle babes...domestically and internationally...I want to reassure you that your concern is completely normal but know that the second you lay eyes on your babe, your bond will begin and you will be madly in-love. I have found this concern even greater with daddies because they attach and bond differently than us mommies do ...but no worries...she will have you both wrapped before you know it. You will experience a deep love you never knew was possible. Many blessings as you wait for your miracle babe to arrive.”
Brenda addressed this fear by saying, “It's normal , but I have had 2 adopted children and I bonded the moment I saw them.”
J. said, “While not genetically connected to my babies, we bonded and it has grown even stronger over the last three years.” She also indicated that carrying a pregnancy and breastfeeding (two of the benefits of embryo adoption) can contribute to the bonding as well.
Gina shared her experiences with us in saying, “We have three bio children and now this little miracle boy! Our donors were anonymous so we had no idea what he would look like. I was also worried about bonding, and felt guilty about worrying. I had no one to ask...
I knew him the moment he was born. He didn't look like my other children but he was familiar — he was my son. I could see his donors in him even though I never met them: my son had long toes and a cleft in his chin. I just kept thinking, ‘Thank you that sweet nose, the dimples in his shoulders’. I wished I could call them and tell them how beautiful and perfect he was and how my heart was full of gratitude.
Don't worry you will be flooded with so many emotions and hormones. You will fall in love.
If anything I feel super close to my guy in a way I can't explain - we had to work so hard to find each other.”
Lynda’s thoughts continued in this vein of the challenges in the journey helping to form a stronger bond, “Although your connection isn't biological, think of all you already went through to become pregnant with your little one... you didn't just 'get pregnant' like some. Instead you hoped and dreamed, and were likely disappointed and sad and maybe angry along the way, and probably cried some... BUT you wanted a baby so much that you went through a process... the paperwork, the emotions, the expenses, the medical procedures, the hoping (yet again) in another way. YOU made your family happen! And now your little one is almost here!! So exciting!! It's normal to be worried and nervous... I think all new mommies and daddies, bio or otherwise, are because of the deep love they have already for their baby & family to be.”
Stacy chimed in with, “People do question our love of our bio child vs. our children we adopted and I love to gently remind them of their love for their own spouse....who is NOT biologically related to them....that usually puts it into perspective super quick.”
Carrie shared, “I have two adopted children and an embryo adopted child too. I feel extremely close to all three of them. As soon as your daughter looks into your eyes, she's got you wrapped around her finger. You'll love her more than you know....”
Tracey also could relate, “Yes, your concern is normal, but you will connect with your precious daughter immediately. I have 2 snowflake boys (19 months apart) and I actually bonded with both of them while still in utero. I also have a biological daughter who is younger than her brothers (who came by surprise) and the bonding was the same for me. Genetics does not make you a family. Love does.”
What are your thoughts on this? We’d love to hear from your experiences.
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